Feeling: Tired and indifferent.
Random Thought: Why can't it all just go away?
Music: Chemlab - Suicide Jag

I had a strange dream last night:

I went to the doctor for something or other, and came out carrying ultrasound images of my child. A girl. Very cute, too, because apparently they could turn those fuzzy ultrasound pictures into 3-D images--and this was at the local family practitioner's office.

That should tell you (or me, rather) how far off the wall that was, considering the fact that my local family doctor doesn't even have sonogram equipment, and most likely never will.

Anyway, a little while later, I was putting the child in daycare and taking a vacation to some exclusive resort where the "poor" are allowed to look, but not touch--let alone even think about joining.

My sister was a member. I was one of those people allowed to look. From a distance.

I finally figured out what's been wrong with me lately.

It's called anger.

I realized what it was when I felt it again yesterday in regards to something totally unrelated. And yes, I've known what was bugging me, just couldn't sort out what I was feeling about it. What I still feel about it.

I'm angry.

Why, you ask?

It simple, really, and more than a little selfish. You see, I'm angry that my father left me to deal with everything. He KNEW I'd get no help from one of the other two. I'm angry that I have to get all stressed out the first of every month while I stretch my mom's finances, and still somehow have to pull $1,000 out of my ass to split between my brother and sister. I'm angry that no one's even bothered to care that the only thing I've inherited is a hard time.

No one worries, no one cares. No one breaks their necks to set aside anything for me. I get no comfort in knowing that my dad provided a little something for me, I get no compensation for anything I've done for them. I just get to continue on as I always did. Only, this time I get to continue his role as caretaker of the household. Not "head" of the household. Caretaker. The person who has the responsibility of seeing that every aspect of this house and the person who owns it is taken care of, maintained, and in proper, working condition (both physically and financially).

And all of this makes me feel selfish and undeserving. So I get even more angry. At myself. Then I think of how everyone just naturally EXPECTS me to be that selfless person who martyrs her own principles for the good of everyone else, and I get even angrier.

And all of it is eating me up from the inside out. Literally. I feel like it's burning a hole in my stomach.

I don't know how to deal with it. I wouldn't even know where to start.

So, I got it in my head to run away. If I can just keep telling myself that it will all be over as soon as I'm finished with my school, I'll be able to save my sanity. But I know it won't. Deep down inside, I know I'll never be able to walk away. I'm not that sort of coward.

Heh. I'm another sort entirely.

Not only that, deep down in there, along with the realization that I'll never be able to leave this godforsaken place, I know that somehow I'm really not deserving of any of it. Of anything, really. I never have been.

My stomach hurts now, so I'm going to cease this pointless analysis.

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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