Feeling: Depressed.
Random Thought: Wrong. Hopeless. Stupid. Alone. Worthless. Grr.
Music:

These last couple of days have been awful. Things that I thought were behind me (some far, some recently put there) have been drudged up in all their obscene glory.

I'm so depressed right now.

I tried going up to my grandmother's to spend the night--thought it might be good to get a decent night of sleep without having to worry about anything. I got there, and even tried laying down to sleep, but I felt horrible. Like I had invaded the place. My sister came home just after I laid down, so I decided to go say hey. She offered to come down here to stay with me, and I took her up on it.

We started to leave, but I forgot my shoes. So, I went back in to get them. Grandmother started apologizing for this and that. Made me feel even more awful because it's my own issues and insecurities that made me want to leave, not anything involving her.

I started crying when I walked out the second time. I've been holding it in all day, so I guess it was inevitable.

I mean, really. For the past five days, I've been having to take care of everything. Then for the past two days, I've had some strange woman in my house, rearranging every fucking thing she got her hands on! Now, our entire house is greased up with orange oil (um...you literally can't touch anything without having to wipe your hands!), and she charged us $150 for her half-ass job.

WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT SHIT!!!!

Then, like an idiot, I went out tonight to get some stuff that we needed, and ended up spending $2.00 more than we had, so I have to take my last $10, and put it back in the account tomorrow. Therefore, I am broke until Sunday evening, and then my mom and I will have to live off of a credit card until she gets her money.

I don't know who I'm kidding. I'm a big, fat, fucking failure, and there's absolutely no hope for me. I've forgotten how to deal with shit. I think I've just been trying to cover it all up, and pretend it's not there.

So many issues, no will to focus on them. I just want to crawl under a rock and die. How did I get to this point? I mean, one day I'm fine, the ground is solid, the air is fresh, and I'm feeling like the sprinkles on top of a ice cream cone. The next day, I don't even know who the fuck I am, or what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

For the love of GOD and ALL that is HOLY, would someone PLEASE just STOP jerking my feet out from under me?!

Enough whining. I'm just pushing my own head further beneath the surface.

Lovely darkness I'm in now. I would send a postcard, but it seems the gift shop is permanently closed.

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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