Feeling: Alright.
Random Thought: I'll wear whatever I want, damnit!
Music: None. Let's just forget about this option for a while, shall we? I can't put my headphones on, anyway, 'cause

Some good stuff:

1) I no longer feel angry that he wasn't at home. I've realized that my dad would not have wanted me or my mom to find him. I still feel bad for him, though, because I know he was probably scared. And whenever he was scared, he always wanted my mom nearby. So, if that's the case, then I'm really sorry for him, and I wish I could change it. But at least I'm not angry about it, anymore.

2 - I'm glad he went quickly. And I'm so glad he didn't suffer. I mean when my granddaddy died, we had time to say, "okay, this is really happening, and we need to say goodbye." But he was suffering the whole time we were preparing and saying our goodbyes (four breaths a minute--I do believe that's considered suffering).

I am now very, very thankful, that it wasn't like that for him. I can handle the shock and trauma and grief from the sudden loss, but I don't think I would have been able to handle coping with the memories of seeing him suffer. I loved him too much. So yes, I'm now extremely thankful that he didn't.

It wasn't his heart like we thought in the beginning. It had something to do with his liver (was related to his diabetes--I've probably explained all of this before, but my mind is more scattered than usual lately, so overlook me), and whatever it was, it happened instantly. We don't know exactly what it was. We're going to have our family doctor explain it to us when we get the autopsy report.

Heh. Everyone I've told that to (that it was his liver, and not his heart) have all been like, "His liver? Are you sure?" And I think, No, I'm not sure. Hell, it could have been an in-grown toenail--who gives a fuck? It's happened, and it can't be undone! Of course, I end up saying, "Yes m'am/sir. That's what they said, but we won't know exactly what it means until our doctor explains it."

Oh, and then they'll say something like, "Well, did he show any signs of it? Was he sick?" To which, I think Oh, geez. Didn't I explain the first hundred and thirty times that he wasn't sick, that he'd just had a perfect check-up at the doctor, that we had no indication that there was anything wrong with him? I think I've already covered that base, pay attention! Then I end up repeating myself: "Nooo! We didn't have any idea. No warning, no nothing. But his diabetes--even though the doctor had told him his long-term tests had looked really good--was obviously 'illness enough' to count."

3) I no longer feel guilty that the last time I saw him he was pissed off at me. I realized (sometime during the drive over to Columbia--during the course of our conversations) that my father spent a lot of time being pissed off at me. So, it was nothing unusual. And no matter how mad he got with me, I always, ALWAYS knew that he loved me more than life itself. I was so blessed to have a father like him. I know so many people in my life who either didn't have a father present at all, or they were never given that sort of without-a-doubt reassurance that they were loved by their father. My dad let it be known through his words and actions that he loved me, my mom, and my brother and sister more than anything in the world. And even though he's gone, I'll always have that.

Now, on with the events of the day...

I went shopping with Nathan and Roo. I had to pick up something for me and my mom to wear. It was so weird. I went in thinking "black--I have to have something black." And then I thought of my father's taste in clothes. He was not exactly the most fashion-conscious man on the planet. He would wear a yellow shirt with teal pants and red suspenders!

To a wedding, people!

So, you know what I ended up choosing? Red. That's right. I'm wearing red to say goodbye to my father. And my mom is wearing purple. I think Roo ended up picking out a black skirt and a dark, rusty red colored top. My sister chose something conservative (read: black), but she called tonight to say she didn't want to dress up. She wanted to wear her jogging pants and a t-shirt. And as you can probably guess, I told her to go right ahead. Damn what anyone else thinks.

There will be very little black being donned by our family on Wednesday. He wouldn't have given a shit either way, just as long as we were there, so I'm not going to give a shit. I'm there for him, not anyone else.

And just to spoil me, I bought myself some silk pajamas. *grins*

When I came home, my feet were killing me, and my stress level was maxed out. I needed some quiet time, so I went straight to sleep (there were lots of people here, so sleep was the only escape I had). And the nap did me a lot of good. I have a headache now, but otherwise, I'm okay.

Overall, it was a good day...

P.S. - I almost forgot... Thank y'all so much for the condolences, and offers of support in my guestbook. You have no idea how much it means to me. *huggles*

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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