Feeling: Still Sad
Random Thought: They're all mixed up and scattered, so bear with me.
Music: .........................................

I talked to Hari last night, and told her not to pay too much attention to this diary because everything I write here in regards to what's going on right now is going to be all of the really, really BAD stuff that I can't keep to myself.

I mean, yes, I'm more sad than I have ever been in my life, but I still know how to laugh. In fact, I did quite a bit of laughing yesterday when my family was here. But there are things that I need to vent--and I don't want those who care about me to be upset and worried because all they'll be seeing here is the bad stuff. I do have good moments. They're just out numbered right now.

Yesterday evening, my mom (thank God) called our family doctor, and he prescribed her some Xanex. She took it, ate her supper, and five minutes later, my brother was having to put her in bed. I asked him over and over not to leave me alone. Not with her like that. I didn't know how that stuff would interact with her Multiple Sclerosis or her Prozac, and I know I was being irrational, but I was .... paranoid and scared out of my mind. But they left me, anyway.

Everyone left me.

I went in every few minutes to check on her. To make sure she hadn't gotten sick in her sleep or something, and was still breathing. Don't ask really. My mind has been...well, it's been sitting out on Pluto these last couple of days. All sorts of weird shit has popped into my head, so it's no surprise that I was expecting my mother to drop dead at any moment while I was alone with her.

I suppose in some respect that could be considered normal.

But anyway, she slept hard for about two hours--which was wonderful for her since she hadn't slept at all in two days. People kept coming by and bringing things. I mean, don't get me wrong, we've appreciated the visits and the offerings of food and condolences, but I was ALONE, people!! I was paranoid about my mom, and these people just wouldn't stop showing up! No way was I going to wake her up, and no way was I going to call my grandmother to stay with me. She'd had about as much sleep as any of us--which is basically none to speak of.

Anyway, when I went to check on her that last time (around 9 p.m.), she wasn't in her bed. I thought she'd fallen out of it or something, but I found her in the bathroom. She was coherent, but obviously didn't need to be awake. So, I made her get back in bed.

And just as she was going, the phone rang. It'd been off the hook, and for some reason, just before I went to check on her that last time, having the phone off the hook freaked me out, so I hung it up. It rang, and I was running around trying to find one of the cordless phones (which I couldn't!), and the machine picked up. No one was there. So, five minutes later, while I was trying to get her settled back down, it rang again. This time, I had one of the cordless phones in my hand, so I turned it on. No one was there! Then I realized that I'd unplugged the stupid phone line from the back of the charger.

I fucking lost it. I started sobbing. Right there in front of my mother. You know, the same mother I had promised Nathan I would be strong for? And I told her flat out that I couldn't handle it. That I couldn't deal with it. That I knew she needed me, and I'd promised Nathan I wouldn't do exactly what I was doing at that moment...but I just couldn't help it.

I need my mother right now. I need my daddy, too, but it's for him that I'm grieving. I should be old enough not to need them, but evidently, that's not the case. And I cried harder in that moment than I thought was humanly possible. Drawing oxygen was less important to me than crying at that moment.

I understand what heartache feels like. I understand what it feels like to hurt when you're grieving. But I literally ache all over. Physically and emotionally. And I just couldn't handle it all by myself.

In any case, she wouldn't go to sleep without me after that, so we got up and had a bite to eat (I'd just played with my supper earlier last night--never took the first bite, really). While we were up, Tracey called. She's my Aunt Patricia's daughter (Aunt Patricia died about four years go, and was the next oldest sibling--my dad was the baby).

She told me that even after four years, she'll still break down. "Why?" She said. "Why God, why? I NEED my mama."

She's in her 40's now, so I don't feel bad anymore. I need my parents, and even though he's physically gone from my life now, I'll never really stop needing my daddy.

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Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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