Feeling:
Random Thought:
Music:

I'm really cold, and I'm waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in so I can get a bit more rest. This entry regards what happened yesterday.

Currently, I am still an emotional mess, but I was able to doze off and on last night, so I do feel more rested--just not any better.

Every time I think I've gotten my mind wrapped around this whole thing, I realize all over again that it's MY DADDY who's gone. It's not some stranger, or some distant relative I don't really know. It's the man I see (or used to) every day, and now he's just....gone.

I wasn't ready for this. I was prepared for Grandmother to be next in line, damnit. That's the way it goes. Older people first! It's not right. It's not FAIR.

And everytime my mom gets near something of my dad's I quietly freak out (I'm supposed to somehow accomplish being strong, remember!). I'm so scared she's gonna move something of his, and I don't think I could handle that right now. I've been in his room twice just to make sure it's all still there, and where it's supposed to be.

I'm not sure if I'm doing it for my own sanity, or if I'm still expecting him to come home.

God, I wish he was coming home.

My fucking face is a leaky faucet. I can't count how many times I've snapped out of a blank stupor to find myself soaked with tears I didn't mean to shed. When I woke up this morning, my eyes were nearly swollen shut, and I thought I was alright. I thought I'd cried enough, but they just won't stop. Even now I can barely see what I'm typing because of them.

I looked up some stuff online about grief, and read all about the process. Did you know it's supposed to end by letting go of the person that's died? Who he hell thought that one up? I don't think I'll ever be able to let my father go! Why do I have to let him go?! I don't WANT to!

And Mama's asked me and Nathan (Silver) and Marla (Dingy) to make the decisions and arrangements. Don't ask me how we were able to do it, but I think we've all decided on cremation. It's what he said he wanted. But Nathan said something about taking him to Beaufort, NC (small coastal town where he grew up). I almost keeled over right there. Beaufort?? NO!! I don't want him that far away.

I want him here, damnit.

Here. With me. Alive. Happy.

Oh my God. I don't think I can deal with this.

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

�