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I was in a dark mood earlier tonight. Well, actually it's been lingering for longer than just tonight. Last night I was doing some minor introspection, and let's just say that I didn't particularly like the glimpse I was given.

Something has to change. I don't know what exactly, but something. I can't remain on this path. It's not right. Hell, it's just plain unhealthy--emotionally speaking anyway.

I wish I could elaborate more, but there are some things you just can't put into words--especially when those words are being recorded in a semi-public journal.

There's one thing I can say, though. Part of this has to do with the fact that I don't want to end up like Aunt Psycho, or worse, a thin-lipped and cynical, lonely old woman.

I still maintain that I don't (by any means) need or want anyone to take care of me, I can take care of myself. Or rather, I think I need to be able to take care of myself. I still don't want any children, either. My DNA isn't exactly worthy of replication (not even partially). And both of these facts rule out the original purpose of marriage.

But that really isn't the point, is it?

I could succeed. I could make lots of money. I could be able to hook up my own electronic equipment, build cabinets, and protect myself. I could even have and raise a child on my own if I wanted to. But what good is all that if I there's no one there to turn to, and say "See what I did? I did that. Me. Isn't it great?" What good is anything in life if you don't have anyone to share it with? Yeah, I have my family and friends now, but what will it be like when I don't?

Then again, the thought of marriage scares me. I'm comfortable enough to admit that. I'm sure it scares lots of people. But with all of the contradictory examples I've been given, being scared of it doesn't surprise me.

I look at my grandmother's life--what she dealt with in her marriage--and I worry. My grandfather wasn't always the man he became, and I'm sure my grandmother never dreamed he'd turn into that monster. Then I look at my own parents, and I'm reassured. No, their marriage hasn't been perfect, but they never let anything break them.

Then I look at Aunt Psycho's two abusive marriages, as well as my other aunt's marriage (her husband is self-righteous and more than a little domineering), and I get scared. What if love blinds me until it's too late, or worse, what if I end up choosing to remain blind?

Then I look at Gigi and Big Daddy, and I'm happy. Big Daddy is a good guy. He reassures me that there are some good guys still left in the world--even if 99% of them they aren't available. And then Sleepy will call, crying because she made a mistake by marrying that sorry excuse of a man, but can't admit it even to herself. What if I end up making a huge mistake? I've certainly made them in the past, so what makes me so sure that I won't do it again?

However, all of this talk about marriage really has nothing to do with what's on my mind. It's just part of it--and indirect link.

*Sigh* All of this thinking hurts my little head.

I'll have to dwell some other time.

Right now, I need sleep.

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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