Feeling: Confused. A bit.
Random Thought: "To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come"
Music: ..........

I won't sleep until I get this off of my mind. I can't give out any details regarding this person, though, and there's simply not enough space (or time) to cover all of the reasons why.

Anyway...here goes:

I dreamed of this person last night. First time ever, though it surprises me that I haven't before now. There wasn't anything...sexual about the dream, just a little too cozy for my peace of mind.

My house. Her. Me.

And yes, you read that right: Her. She. Another female.

Meh, I don't get it either.

Anyway, the house was the one I plan to have one day--my one ambition in life. And I hate to say this, but I've never had a dream where I've really felt true happiness. Fear, yes. Deep sadness, anger, etc. Those are easy to feel, conscious or not.

Happiness, at least for me, is complicated even when I'm awake. So, of course it's going to be harder when I'm asleep, and all of those icky subconscious thoughts and feelings take over.

But this wasn't.

It was a drowsy sort of happiness. Where your eyes are half-closed, and a smile curves your lips without you even knowing. A quiet, peaceful feeling. As though everything just fell in place--like it was meant to be that way all along.

It was so easy.

Too easy.

And now my head is all twisted around. I don't know what to think, much less say. I've analyzed it as best I can, and the only conclusion that I can come up with is that I'm just lacking comfort and security in my life right now.

She was probably no more than a reflection of myself. Or part of myself. Haven't figured out which part yet (and no lewd comments from the peanut gallery, if you please, I'm being totally serious). All I know is that I've had dreams of that house many times, but none ever felt as perfect as this one. And it was because of her.

Now, I'm awake and I can't let it go. I know dreams are not real, and that they're as much a mystery as they are a normal, psychological process. But this one struck a very deep chord with me, and it still echoes.

Now the questions...

What does it mean? What does it say about me? I'm not talking about sexual orientation here. I've been attracted to women before, and I'm quite comfortable with that much. I suppose it's the several other factors (which I can't reveal) that give me reason to dwell on the whole thing.

But why......?

No need for anyone else to answer these. Hell, if I don't even understand it, there's no likely chance that anyone else will.

I just needed to get it out of my head.

Perhaps I will sleep dreamlessly now... but I'd give anything to go back to this one...

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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