Feeling: Like shit!
Random Thought: *cries*
Music: none.

I've got that whole leaky-face thing again.

Damn the telephone man. Actually, no. Damn telephone company. If there had not been static on the line, I never would've needed to move those books into the closet, and I never would have found those pictures, or that stupid magazine/news article thingy.

It was an article about COLORS, people. Colors in interior design! Do you KNOW how much I could have told him? I could have carried on an entire conversation about that one subject that would have lasted several hours or more!

But no. I threw it aside. I threw away time with HIM so that I could do something STUPID!

In any case, I've been rather depressed since then. I swear, if it weren't for my online friends, I'd have run mad. Every time my attention was taken away from the computer, I just started crying.

Sad, but true.

I mean, I consider my online friends to be just as significant as "real life" friends. What's sad is that other than family, I have all of two people that I can turn to. Two very busy, very settled-into-their-lives people. And as for family, heh. Well, they're going through the same shit I am.

No help there.

This is fucking ridiculous. I've been doing fine for the last week, and then BAM! One freaking day, and the little bit of strength and stability and I-can-do-this determination I built up has been flushed down the damn toilet.

Is there an instruction manual out there for getting rid of shit like this? Or maybe a pretty pink pill that'll make it all go away?

Actually, you know what? I think I know what my fucking problem is. I close up way too easily. If someone talks to me, I unconsciously flip this switch inside that turns on flashing neon sign that says "I'm Okay! Everything is Perfect! There is Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Me!" because I'm so fucking worried that I'll dump something on someone that either can't handle it, or just doesn't NEED that shit, ya know? I'm not dumb. I know when someone doesn't need extra baggage! Or when they simply WON'T understand! So, I pretend that I'm fine. When all I WANT to do is break down and hand it over to someone else.

But who the hell am I kidding? Really. I'm conditioned. I'm the one who is there, always, for whomever needs me. That's the person I WANT to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter towards others for my own shortcomings. Believe me. I know how screwed up I can be at times.

God, do I know.

And I know I'm babbling. Get over it. I'm not done yet.

My mom was so very sorry that my brother finally allowed himself to feel the loss. Well, isn't that just fucking dandy. Nathan cried. Let's activate the fucking family phone tree. He needs us!

Yeah. Fuck me. I don't any of you! I have little white pills to numb the overwhelming panic I feel at having everything dropped on my shoulders in the space of five minutes.

Five minutes. That was all it took. Five minutes between the time we were alerted to the fact that something serious had happened, and the time the coroner showed up at the door. In that time, I inherited the responsibility of taking care of my mom, and her entire existance. Her fucking LIFE is in my hands. Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Christ! I'm not even sure if I have a handle on MY life! And oh my God! If she were to have another episode with her multiple sclerosis, I don't think I would be able to handle it! The first time (and, thankfully, the ONLY time) it happened, she couldn't speak, she couldn't walk, she couldn't do ANYTHING! It was like she'd had a stroke! And then on the way to the hospital, she had a grand mal seizure.

I don't know what the fuck to do when someone has a seizure! And if she gets like she did that first time, she sure as hell won't be able to tell me!

But does she care?! No! If she did, she wouldn't go outside and get too hot. She wouldn't insist on doing all of these things she has no business doing. I mean, geez. I want her to be happy, and I know being idle doesn't help anything, but there comes a point when you have to STOP.

*blink* Yeah.

Stop.

Am guilty. Am angry. Am so very, very sad.

Enough said.

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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