Feeling: I'm feeling like I need to have a nervous breakdown, but I don't have time, and my schedule won't allow that this
Random Thought: ...
Music: ...

Tomorrow my sister, brother, and I are going to meet here with my mom to talk about money. I had a moment this morning when she woke me up talking about my sister and how she wants to go back to school, and how they owe her so much for "everything she's done."

I just got pissed off, you know. Fuck what Dingy wants to do and what she thinks she deserves. Fuck it all! I don't care, and I don't want any of it. I WANT to be able to turn it in somewhere--to some official or something--and get my dad back, damnit!

But I can't do that. I can't, and I need to find a way to come to terms with that.

Will look for a way tomorrow.

I've been waiting for the dreams to start, and last night I had one. I was having to pay the most important bills yesterday afternoon, so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it.

Anyway, I'd just fallen asleep, and the bill-paying scene was replaying in my dream. Only, I went to give the stack to my mom to take to the post office when I realized there was something else I needed to do before I handed them over to her.

And all of a sudden I looked up, and my dad was standing there. He took them out of my hands, and grinned at me like he always used to do. And I felt so relieved for all of two seconds.

Then I realized that it wasn't right. It wasn't real, and I woke myself up. It would have been perfect if I hadn't dreamed him up with brown eyes.

My dad had blue eyes.

Damnit!

I hate it when tissues don't come out of the box right.

Instead of getting one, I pull out an endless stream of them 'cause some dumbass at the Kleenex factory didn't cut them right.

Stupid box. JUST GIVE ME ONE, DAMNIT!

Oh yeah. Found a state college (although, I think it's one of those private, liberal arts colleges) that has a virtual campus. Not only does it offer a Computer Science degree with an Internet Management emphasis, it's also reasonably priced.

I've requested more information, but fuck it. I'm so tired of worrying and looking. I'm going with it no matter what. Even if I have to commute two hours to take tests, I don't care. I can't leave my mom now. I'm the one who's left to take care of her, and I can't do that if I'm stuck in a classroom all day, five days a week (or living on campus somewhere).

But I'm not giving up my education. That's all there is to it.

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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