Feeling: Don't Ask.
Random Thought: Feh.
Music: ..........

I'm giving up on trying to fix my sleep. Who needs sunlight anyway? It doesn't mean a damn thing to me.

Nothing does anymore, and I'm only joking myself and everyone else around me by pretending to be perfectly happy.

I'm not happy. As if that were hard to tell.

I mean what the fuck was God thinking when She gave me this life, anyway? I mean, really. Of all the fucking pairs of hands to give it to, why MINE? Honestly, it could have been something really great. My mind is decent, if a bit scattered, and oh my god the Love...but it's like I started completely screwing all of that up from the word go...and now none of the good things matter.

Luckily, I block all of this for the most part, rarely thinking about it. But then there are moments, like this one, when it glares at me, and breathes down my neck. And no matter how hard I run, it's right on my heels.

Why?

Because I'll never outrun myself. Like I said, it was my own two hands that choked all of the good out of my life, and I have to live with it while those who bore witness to it roam free. Without conscience, without regret, without one drop of understanding, let alone sympathy. Not that I want their sympathy, the fucks. I don't want a damn thing from anyone.

I want to continue down this path, towards that empty nothing I've been conveniently promised. There's no sense fighting it anymore. I've fought it hard already, and I've only managed to eek a cold, clipped laugh out of it.

No, I'll just retreat back into the empty shell of what is left of this life, and try to mindlessly fudge my way through it. It's okay, though. Another distraction will come along soon enough, and this moment will be forgotten, tucked quietly away somewhere to begin festering all over again.

I really wish I was wrong about all of this...that I was just being overly dramatic. But I'm not.

There's something else plaguing me at the moment, as well, but at least I can be honest enough with myself to admit that I'm not wrong about it, though every damn thing else about it is. It's the only thing that does feel right to me, and even it is fucked up. You see? The ONE thing in my life at this moment that feels even remotely good and right to me....still somehow manages to be wrong...and more than a little messed up.

Why do I even fucking bother?

But no. I'm alright. Rayne is alright. I will be alright. I have to be. That's the part I have to play. If I don't go through the motions, and say my lines on cue, all sorts of flairs go up around me. Christ! If I was really as fucking weak and delicate as those around me seem to love thinking, then I wouldn't have lived this long.

Not with what I've seen and done and been through.

I would have given up the game a long time ago.

No, no. Can't do that.

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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