Feeling:
Random Thought:
Music:

This is the third time I find myself sitting here, staring at this blinking little cursor, not being able to think of a got-damn thing to say.

I've discovered just how cool it is to have one of those all-the-information-you-can-think-of site counters. I put one up on one of my personal websites, and I can now see not only how many hits it get, but also where they are from, what sort of computer they're using (and the settings thereof), what time they were there, how they got there (i.e. from a search engine, link, etc. and the specifics of each), and so on. It is SO cool. I chose to go with Nedstat, but I know there are many others out there.

See? This is the boring result of not having anything good to say.

I swear--I am much more interesting in real life.

Really!

I AM!!!!

*Turns the page of the catalog in front of her*

"Oh look," she says excitedly, "I can get that cute little black skirt for only $34. I shall buy it now!"

Okay, fine. I'll share with you a little nothing I wrote while in the throes of an "I-wanna-crawl-out-of-my-own-skin-and-run-away" kind of moods. It was sometime around the end December (just past).

But first, a disclaimer...

"Rayne makes no guarantees, expressed or implied, that the following snippet of disgustingly sad (and horribly scattered) writing will--in any way, shape, or form--cause the reader to feel euphoric, entertained, or otherwise emotional. There are no warranties, and no refunds. Read at your own risk."

Now, on with the freak show:

Romantic relationships, in my world, fall under the categories of �strange� and �volatile.� Each time they end, I think I feel hurt, but it's that little whispering voice, the one I can never seem to lie or explain away, that sits on the edge of my thoughts, making me doubt the validity of my pain.

�You know you didn�t really take it that seriously,� it says, �you were just playing the part. You cry for your ego, not your heart.�

It makes me wonder. Do I purposely go after certain guys, knowing perfectly well that they will fall hopelessly short of my expectations? Better yet, have I set my expectations so high that not even I could reach them if I tried?

It�s so confusing. I think about my �ideal� sort of man, and I give him only those qualities that I possess myself. But at the same time, I question my own perception of who I really am.

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that, as I grow older, those closest to me become more like strangers than the like-minded, old souls I thought I knew. They aren�t necessarily the one�s changing. I am. And it is those very changes that leave me ever-questioning my own perception of what is real and what is an illusion.

If I can�t pin my own existence down, what makes me think that I will ever hope to have a solid grasp on someone else�s? It is a wretched feeling, being in that surreal world where you can�t be entirely sure that you truly know yourself. And sometimes, just when you think you have a pretty good idea, you do something that completely shatters the small inkling you may have acquired.

And yet, even now, when I'm in that world of non-reality, I can see it so clearly, this girlish dream of mine. He is there, and I am here. And there�s a subtle, almost imperceptible moment of mutual recognition, where one soul takes the hand of another. The moment is there, and it won�t be denied. And our fates intertwine with a heat that fuses them. And forever is the only word the heart can comprehend.

But that doesn�t happen in reality.

Reality is the cruel price of owning a mind capable of logic and reason. It reminds you that life is life, and it�s short. It�s hard, and sharp, and cold. And the only beautiful thing about it is the ability to conjure the very dreams you will never attain.

These are the lessons I�ve learned.

I would settle for someone less than worthy, but I've already done that.

And I still pay for it.

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

�