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At approximately 8:30 a.m., Roo and I assumed our annual roles of Santa Clausette and her trusty side-kick, Elf-bitch.

You can guess who I am. But in case you need a hint...Santa Clausette carries a checkbook and I don't have one.

Now, usually we spend the entire evening beforehand mapping out our mission--setting up parking strategies, time schedules, and routing out our every move (both on the road and in the stores). We do this mainly because Satan-mart is always on our list of places to hit. But this year, I'm sad (not) to report, Satan-mart was skipped entirely.

You read that right. We skipped it ENTIRELY.

Anyway, we opted for Toys 'R' Us, which (can you believe it?) was much easier to navigate than that monsterously monsterous body-pit they like to call a "supercenter." We stood at the entrance for all of five minutes looking at all the open spaces in the aisles, then looking at each other as if to say "Wait. Did we just enter the Twilight Zone??" It was way weird.

But not weird enough to stop us from spendin' some cash, of course.

We went around the store like kids in a candy store--loading the buggy down with toys and clothes and other crap that'll be broken or forgotten about by the time January rolls around. Of course, Nyk got more (cooler) things than Ace, but Ace is only a few months old. He wouldn't appreciate a lot of toys, so she got him a few big things and some clothes. Plus, she had many other children in her family to buy for.

Anyway, we ended up in the video game section, where we picked up three Playstation 2 games (all for Nyk, which I thought was a bit excessive, but hey, what do I know?--I'm just an Elf). Then we headed for the nearest checkout counter where....get this....there was an OPEN REGISTER WITH **NO** LINE!!!

The register eventually showed us that we'd racked up a good $500 worth of stuff. That was about the time that I noticed the group of people behind us. There were two women and a man, and they appeared to be together. One of the ladies (and I'm using the term quite loosely) was a whole head and a half taller, and twice the size of both of us put together, and she kept inching closer and closer toward Santa Clausette as she was writing out the check for her purchases.

Me, being the untrusting Elf-bitch that I am, secured my hand tightly in the handle of a rather large bag containing an Octoblaster (I think that's the name of it) Hot Wheels race track, and some other not-so-lethal-weaponish toys. I knew something was coming, but I didn't know what. I didn't think she would necessarily DO anything, but what she said next did draw attention to us.

She had now positioned herself right at Santa Clausette's side (pressed smack up against her, no less!), and very loudly said, "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! That's a LOT of TOYS!"

At that point, I suddenly had a vision:

Two lonely women being attacked by a mob of ravenous shoppers, amidst shouts of "Gimme that Kick-n-Play!" and "Hand over that Batman fighter jet!" All of it spinning out of control while we try to fight off the crowd with Hot Wheels race track box and a pocketbook--Santa Clausette crying "Tie 'er up with that rattle!"

I think it was all just a flashback to Satan-mart excursions of Christmas past. Those unpleasant experiences have been known to cause shell-shock for many an Elf. However, everyone at that particular store seemed in very good spirits, save the huge lady with the crazy eyes, so of course nothing bad happened...except for the following conversation (which isn't exactly "bad"...more like rude and indignant).

Crazy lady boldly asked Santa Clausette "Why'on't you buy my Christmas? You got enough."

Clausette politely replied: "I haven't even bought MY Christmas yet. This is just for the kids."

Crazy (not to mention nosy) Lady: "Whoo-ee. All THAT for your kids?"

Clausette: "Oh no. Part of this is for my two children, and the other part is for the other TWELVE CHILDREN in my family."

Crazy Lady: "You didn't answer me. You gonna buy mine?" *pointing to her loaded buggy*

Clausette laughed and walked out the door.

Really.

What IS it with people wanting to be all in your Kool-aid?

Anyway, we got back to the sleigh (read: Jeep), squeezed the oversized bags into the back, and then settled into the front to check out what was left on the "Operation: Santa Hell" list. She had jotted down some other stores, but was soon talking herself out of going. In the end, we decided it was best to hit the interstate back toward home, stop off an the next large town, and hit the sports and dollar stores there.

The sports store proved fruitless, but the dollar store brought forth an abundance of candy for Nyk's little classmates, as well as mugs to go in his teachers' gift baskets, and a few square miles of wrapping paper. We then grabbed lunch at Wendy's, and took up the last leg of the journey home.

We stopped off at her house to give Mr. Clausette his lunch, take what non-Santa presents there were inside to hide in her closet, and get the mail. Then we came to town, made a deposit at the bank, and brought the Santa toys here (where we wrapped them and stashed them in the back closet).

It was done. We'd gotten all of the presents for the children (Santa included). What had always been a complete and total nightmare had gone off without a hitch.

It was amazing, I tell you!

I wasn't tired.

My feet didn't hurt.

I actually had fun!

God help us (and Silver) if things are that easy next year!

<< - >>

Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27
Want some popcorn? - 2004-06-23
- - 2004-06-19
Pfft. - 2004-06-12
Wheehaa!! Going to see PoA! - 2004-06-02

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