Family Correspondence |
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Feeling: He's talking about me... ----- Original Message ----- From: Silverwind To: Paula Sent: Sunday, January 11, 2004 10:39 AM Subject: No Apology needed from you... Many many moons ago, I remember sitting in a fig tree. With Marla, of all people. I was sitting there because I was an inconvenience - and what really hurt was that I knew it. I heard the lock 'click', and saw the look in her eyes when she turned the tumblers to lock me out of 'her world'. I was locked out of the house, and was completely disgusted with that thought. I was crushed simply by the idea that somebody could POSSIBLY 'not want me'. If you think about it, that is really a very pompous position to have, but then again, it says in the Bible 'Blessed are the Meek' (and I knew even when I learned that verse, that they weren't talking about me).
Since I have always given myself over to the idea that it's best to forget the bad and remember the good, my memories of my Grandmother's house in Saluda FAR outweigh any experiences (or lack thereof) of 'Front Street'. I love my father. I miss him dearly, I think of him daily...but I cannot sincerely tell you that I miss a single thing from Beaufort. The exact opposite plays out when I walk thru Grandmother's house. The memories come back like a flood...
It has been said that "Mother" is the word for 'God' on the lips and hearts of children everywhere. You should know that as well as I do.
Can you possibly guess what 'Grandmother' means?
And do you KNOW what kind of model you're having to follow?? My grandmother would welcome me into her home, sing to me, tell me stories, and read to me - her home being an experience that wasn't even rivaled by Disneyworld. (no, it wasn't even close.) And SHE did ALL of this (*as I have come to know only later in life) around a rifle packing, fully armed alcoholic WWII Vet with an incredibly shitty disposition??? She has never told me 'no'...not once. She has never shut me out, she has never locked the door. Not a single time. She has never said that I was inconvenient. Even when it wasn't a 'good time' for Wiley, it was more than 'ok' for me to be there (at least she always made me feel that way...) - she made sure of it. The bottom line is that I simply never got left in a fig tree with Marla at Grandmother's house. Period.
My son will not be an invonvenience to your daughter. Ever. If nothing is said to her on your behalf, please belive me that something WILL be said to her on behalf of my son. I have simply had 'enough'. And I seriously will NOT build up any 'hopes' in this kid's head only to have them jerked away at the last minute - for ANY reason. This is NOT your fault, this is a circumstance that will simply NOT play out again. Ever.
I am not giving you a 'guilt' trip. This is in NO WAY your fault, so please do not take it as such. And by the same token, I am not comparing you to your mother either, nor am I asking that you live up to whatever 'standard' she has set. If you do it you'll likely end up with ulcers, heart problems, etc. There is absolutely NO way you're going to spin this into a guilt trip, so don't even try it. I want you to let your daughter know that you have grandchildren and that they adore you - whatever time of the month it may happen to be.
I am simply letting you know what an AWESOME feeling it is for a little boy to get go to his Grandmother's house. And what a really fucked up feeling it is to not be wanted there (for 'whatever' reason - MOST especially if you have to hang out in a tree with Marla.) I will forever shield my son from the later. Yeah. Let her know on my behalf that she can 'shove it', in the name of the former.
I love you, my Mother.
Nathan --------------------------------- Her reply to the above... ----- Original Message ----- From: Paula Sent: Sunday, January 11, 2004 11:42 AM Subject: Fw: Here I Come!
----- Original Message ----- From: Paula To: Silverwind Sent: Sunday, January 11, 2004 11:38 AM Subject: Here I Come! Get my Nyk and Asa ready to come to Pau's House in about 30 minutes. We're going to Grandmother's for lunch (I'm taking hot dogs for Nyk). The absolute joy you felt as a child is only part of the joy your Grandmother felt. She adored you, but not half as much as I adored you . Now I know how much she enjoyed your coming to Saluda with her despite my daddy's perceived pissy nature. And I'll also never forget being shunned by Minnie...it hurt much worse after having her precious grandson and granddaughters. It hurt your Daddy's feelings so bad that he hated to go to Front Street. The joys he retold of the friends he would run and play with were his fond memories....reminded me of Gooneys or Stand By Me little actors. Dan loved those movies. Thank God for your Aunt Patricia. She made the trips fun and she loved you children as much as her own. I so want to take Nyk and Asa to see Beaufort when they're older....so I can point out the places that Granddan felt were so very special and that their Daddy enjoyed despite the fig tree. I am sending your message to Miriam. She does never say or do anything to let Nyk see her discomfort when he is visiting. Please know that. She stays in her room (as she does almost all the time) and communes with those friends in far away places. Had I not been so very tired myself last night, her pms would not have decided whether Nyk could come or not. His presence here has no negative effect on Mim except where the puppies are concerned. She worries that Nyk and Sandy might not see eye to eye on things. The pup and Nyk coexist with the rest of us...just fine. I'm coming to get the boys as soon as I get dressed. If you don't want me to come, telephone. The computer is going to rest for a while. --------------------------------- My Say. Now, if you're all finished discussing me, I'd like to have to have a say in this--my trial--because I absolutely refuse to be tried and hung in one fell swoop by a blind and deaf jury.
Paula, my mother, I will ask you kindly to look back at when I was a little girl. If I'd so much as dared to ask to spend the night at Grandmother's two weekends in a row, you would have hit the fucking roof. Don't even play it. You were too busy trying to live up to whatever godforsaken dramatic standards you had set for yourself and for us to care otherwise. Hell, even when I was there, I was shoved into one of the sunrooms to entertain Gina, or I was being hissed or hollered at because of something or other. Glad you have happy memories of being so well received into your grandmother's home, Nathan. You're the only one here.
And Nathan, you don't know what it's like. You don't have a fucking CLUE what it's like to live here. Polly can flit about, doing whatever she damn well pleases, and I'm left to worry. I worry about the bills, I worry about her overdoing it, I worry about EVERY FUCKING THING! Christ, I have to fucking DRUG myself to sleep, or wait for daylight because I DON'T FEEL SAFE! I'm constantly SCARED that something's going to happen. Something too big for me to handle. Every time I go into Paula's room at night, I check to make sure she's still BREATHING. THAT'S NOT NORMAL! I check the locks on the doors fifteen fucking times a NIGHT because I can't remember if I checked the last time she got up to let her blessed "puppies" out. She DOESN'T THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS! SHE CAN'T KEEP A THOUGHT IN HER HEAD FOR FIVE FUCING SECONDS! SHE DOESN'T FUCKING CARE! And what if something happens? I'll be here all alone without the FIRST FUCKING CLUE as to how to handle it. And you expect me to be all rainbows and lollipops over the idea of letting my nephew--a child I love more than anything??--come to a place where even I don't feel safe? ARE YOU FUCKING MAD?! FUCK YOU!
Marla already waltzes in here with her overbearing opinions when I ALREADY KNOW that I'm doing a botched job of handling things, and now I get it from you. Well, that makes me feel just as warm and fuzzy as I did all those times you let me know--in no uncertain terms--that I could go fuck myself because I didn't have your help unless it was absolutely convenient for you.
You know, I don't even know why I'm bothering. It doesn't matter. If you two were too blind to see it all along... you never will. Save The Rayne! - 2004-12-27 �
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